My biggest fear

I am deathly afraid of few things. Death itself doesn't seem as grim as living life alone. I want more than anything to love people fully, whole-heartedly. I want people to see the love of Christ radiate from within me. However, I feel there are very human obstacles in the way of that. Let's face it--I'm not Jesus. My love for people does run short and I do lose patience and I give up. I have a tendency to not try to love people for fear of rejection or non-reciprocation.

What is worse? Loving someone profusely who barely notices that you care or is it the not loving someone in the first place? I heard mention that the opposite of love isn't hate but fear. The opposite of Love is Fear. Wow. I feel that's so true in my heart. I fear commitment because I fear rejection. I fear rejection because when rejected, the effort you've put into the person rejecting you has amounted to nothing. i just wasted a lot of time. I have to invest in a different person with the nagging notion that the new effort may not pay out as well. I want, for once, to invest in someone who equally invests in me. Someone who won't leave. I want a human to securely give pieces of my heart. But I'm a perfectionist. I like to control outcomes. I like things just so. And if the human has flaws, if the human shows signs of human weakness, I get antsy that he might not work out. Funny thing with humans is that they possess human qualities. Human error, human fallacy, human ego, humanity.

I want to love unconditionally, relentlessly. I want to bestow that love to all people around me. I want to be pure in my love. Pure in my motives to love. I want no grey in the black and white that is love. No appearance of meddling. No questioning of motives or intentions. I want my love to imitate Christ.