Bex Blog

Island Time

2009-10-03T20:41:00.000-07:00

I'm going to go out of order on my retelling of cities because I want to tell the most recent story in my mind--the town I'm in currently.

I flew in Thursday morning to Jacksonville and my Grandma drove down to get me from St. Simons Island. I have spent the last three days on the island and it's been so relaxing, so enjoyable. I've gotten to just take it easy and spend quality time with her, talking, making meals, just generally hanging out. It's been four years since I've been on the island that I forgot how quiet and restful the whole mentality of the island is. No one seems to be in a hurry, no one's excessively loud, and save for the teenagers or college kids I see here and there, it's not a young place. It's just me and Tootsie (what I call my grandma), hanging out. We have carried on our tradition of watching old movies--Dial M for Murder, Funny Face. We have gone around the island to take photos, seen some old friends of hers (and mine) and played cards. I tell you what, women in their seventies sure are card sharks!!

Originally the plan was to head up to Athens and try to cram as much into a four day weekend as possible and honestly, I would have been ridiculously tired. It just would not have been beneficial.

And I got to spend some more time with Josh this weekend. I'm sometimes blown away by the timing God has for when he places people in your path and how they affect you. Josh shared with me something that was just what i needed in my life at this moment. His vulnerability to me was priceless and it's so interesting to see how God is working in people thousands of miles apart. I know that might sound so "duh" but sometimes I just need evidence that God is working miracles all over. And that I'm not just imagining my transformation.

So Island Time, I salute you. And I thank you for giving me a much needed rest.

bahston

2009-10-03T20:31:00.000-07:00

I was in Beantown for literally 10 hours. Serrrriously.

So I get off the plane, run to the T, grab a bowl of clam chowder in a bread bowl and head to the Adventours for my bike tour around Boston. First off, a bike tour is a FANTASTIC way to see a smaller city because you can stop and take good pictures, it's faster than walking, and you're not missing all the good things by going on a Metro line. Best money I've spent in a city to date.

I grabbed some delicious seafood for lunch at Legal Seafood--oysters Legal, shrimp/scallop pasta--and holy COW it was amazing. Seriously good.

I really could not have asked for better weather in that town. It was so gorgeous--the clouds were puffy and white, spectacular views over the harbor, mmm. Just perfect. And due to the invasive and big-brother like qualities of facebook/twitter, I was able to run into an old friend, Josh, from college while putzing around the Quincy Market area. It was awesome to just take it easy, shooting the shit on the harbor sea wall, talking cameras with a new friend, Corey, just hanging with an old friend. When my time was up and I had to skidaddle back to Logan, they walked me to my T stop and that was it.

Boston was beautiful and surprisingly easy. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Off to DC!!

Mile high Smiles

2009-10-03T20:20:00.001-07:00

Denver. Ohh, Denver.

This town is gorgeous. Rain or no rain, it's glorious, a little bit cold, yet ultra friendly. Similar to other cities that are land-locked, the people are surprisingly normal and kind. The land is beautiful and scenic and really in word, breathtaking.

Originally, I hadn't intended on heading to the land of the Rockies but due to a dear friend, Steve, rehabilitating in Colorado Springs, I decided to utilize the pass to go see him. Not to mention, I go to spend time with a sarcastic wit of a friend who always makes me smile, Jenn.

I have so much gratefulness in my heart for simple drives around town and walks through a garden of gargantuan rocks. It overjoys me to spend time chit-chatting and dreaming away of the future and spitballing about the past with someone whose heart is genuine and in a similar place as my own. Jenn makes life fun yet has so much substance. What a great lady.

Steve, on the other hand, kind of blows my mind. He's been through so much in the last few months with what could have been a catastrophic brain injury--praise God, he's healing well. Here I was whining about what could be a romantic entanglement and how it's confusing and I'm such a girl about it, blah, blah, blah and he's posturing wisely in a way we've never really conversed. I enjoyed it and was so taken aback by it that I now treasure his friendship in a way I never expected. He's a true gem. A fighter.

So Denver, with its cold rain and gorgeous mountains and housing a couple of fantastic friends, holds a new place in my heart. I'll return to you and tap you, Rockies.

named it twice

2009-09-15T22:30:00.000-07:00

I was in New York, New York on Friday and while it was invigorating to be back in that city, if only for 24 hours, it was rainy. I think I have to say that the rain sort of reminds me that I'm alive.

When you live in perpetual sunshine and in a city that seems to live off of manufactured happiness, I think it's easy to forget that real people with real diversity are living real lives. Trudging through the crowded subways on a rainy Friday in September brings that all crashing to the forefront for me. And I'm thankful for the reality check.

I'm also thankful for the friends I got to spend valuable time with. Jon and I got to flit around a very soggy Central Park and talk about dreams, the future, the pain of today, and grab a slice of Brooklyn pizza-pie then head to his artist haven of an apartment. It was refreshing and calming to be with a friend who I can be so immersed in the right now as to not worry about what's going on around us but to enjoy that very minute. Probably the best part of NYC for me was the freedom. I was free from clock-watching, email-checking, status-updating. Mostly because a majority of that time was spent underground and without a signal but also due to the fact that I was so caught up in the watching of other people living their lives. It's hard to explain the colors of rain in NYC. The drabness of the gray on the buildings contrasting with the colors of rainboots and the liveliness of people going about their days as though I had never arrived was so vivid to me. I really enjoyed peeking into the life of the city--if only for the day.

I later got to see Aisha who just made me roarously laugh all night. Whether it was some perfectly inappropriate joke or making up absurd accents while we jumped from puddle to puddle, it was as though absolutely no time had passed and was just another mile-marker that our friendship has and will continue to stand the test of time. We wandered around lower Manhattan in search of the perfect Mac-n-cheese dinner, again for a bookstore, again for dessert, and finally for invaluable TylenolPm. It was all quite pedestrian but when thought of in the context of this time with her, it was priceless. She is priceless. I don't have to pretend and there is no point in hiding who I am from her or vise versa. Our friendship began with a depth that continues even today. Seven years of knowing each other. Seven years of changing and ebbing, flowing. Seven years of returning at exactly the same point as when we left it. Ahh, I treasure great friendships.

Maybe it was the parts of the city I saw in detail this trip or maybe it was the parts of the city I avoided that made this trip give NYC a true grit and reality. It didn't feel like the touristy binge of lights and consumerism but more the daily grind and humanity that every other time I've visited I felt. Also to note was the fact that I was there on 9/11. Here I was, eight years later but this day was unique. Sombering yet without the halting of life in its wake. i walked by a Fire Station on the Upper East Side and there was a plaque with the fallen firefighters with a bucket full of flowers underneath. There were notes and memos posted around it and it was hard to describe how I felt. I, along with the rest of the country who was alive in 2001, remembers exactly where they were and how their lives immediately felt like slow motion in those moments. But it's all a mishmash of feelings to me now. How do I feel--other than deep respect and honor for those fallen--about that day? No one seemed to talk about it or mention what it was other than on the news that was on for a bit when I flew into JFK that morning. Just another way New York brought a different tone than whenever else I've visited her.

So New York, I appreciate you. If not for your glamour, but for the friends you contain within you.

you airplane, me traveler.

2009-09-08T00:45:00.000-07:00

I'm doing the whole All-you-can-jet Pass this month and I have a feeling I'll get very, very intimate with my ipod tumblr app. I'll try to keep you kids up to date. Don't kill me if I don't. Haha. Like you're reading anyway.

catering shmatering

2008-11-13T15:52:00.000-08:00

I realized that some people may have never ever had experience cooking for a crowd so I'll start posting more tips and hints from my catering insight.

This weekend I catered a small conference and the biggest nightmare (which can go either way) is too much/too little food. I had planned for 35 people for a day-long intensive and ended up having only 14 people. Luckily, Costco will accept returns. I felt so guilty after finding out that they just trash the food returns--all that good food (i'd gotten it two days before) wasted!

Looking for some ideas of what to make that can multiply easily? Here's the menu I used this weekend that was both creative and not too difficult--considering I had three meals + snacks to do for this conference.

Breakfast:

Hashbrown casserole
scrambled eggs
cut melons (cantelope & watermelon)
pigs in blankets
OJ
Coffee

Lunch:

Hot dogs
Hamburgers
grilled chicken
pasta salad
green salad w/pumpkin seeds, pomegranate, goat cheese with olive oil/vinegar as the dressing (LIGHTLY TOSSED!!)
melon (remainder from breakfast)
Madeleine Cookies

The beauty of this menu was that a lot of the breakfast items (pigs in blankets and melon) worked both meals. Since there were ample left overs (due to the planning for a much LARGER crowd), people were free to snack on those throughout the morning. If you have a grill available to you when you're doing a lunch for a crowd, the clear choice is a cookout. Easy to prep, easy to cook, easy to clean. IF you're interested in how I made the salads or anything, msg me and I'll send the info.

Pom-Cran Cheesecake

2008-11-11T15:29:00.000-08:00

So, as many of you know, I'm a little bit of a chef. And as a blog is meant to be whatever the heck I want it to be, I'm posting my recipes.

This little ditty is one I whipped up last Thanksgiving and was a HUGE hit!

Pom-Cran Cheesecake

Preheat oven to 375.

ingredients:
1 graham cracker crust (or make your own..whatever you prefer for time)
16 oz. cream cheese (I like Philadelphia, but the store brands aren't bad) **Room temperature
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 cup Pom juice
1 cup cranberry sauce DRAINED (For this recipe, I used a cup of the homemade stuff I had pre-made for Thanksgiving. I followed the recipe on the bag of cranberries. I am sure the canned "whole berry" type would work well, though.)
2 eggs

Mix the pom, sugar, cream cheese, cranberry, and eggs together. Blend well with a mixer.

Pour the mixture into the graham cracker crust. Place graham cracker crust on top of a baking sheet to avoid spillage onto the oven--a nightmare to clean up!

Bake for 45 minutes or until cheesecake has risen in the middle. Cool for 30 minutes then refrigerate. It's best to refrigerate overnight but 3-4 hours would work if you don't have overnight. ENJOY!!

Please note that if you're hoping to substitute Splenda for the sugar, a recipe such as cheesecake doesn't do well with the texture of Splenda. It'd be best to do a half/half mixture. And you can make your cranberries with splenda to eliminate extra sugar there.

Political Hangover

2008-11-06T15:02:00.000-08:00

Man, what a whirlwind.

So, I've been reading and noticing there's a very clear division of sides on our new President-Elect. My friends from the deep south--republicans, duh--are pissed that Obama won. I've gotten text messages degrading him, his future presidency, etc. A whole slew of messages that the future is bleak, the end is near, even my mom thinking the second coming of Jesus is in our midst. And, you know, I get it. I felt the crazy-painful sting of defeat when UGA lost to FLA this weekend..and I'm still reeling a bit. I also know that for the last 18months--for some, maybe four years--the nation has been stewing in politics. There was, for a gleaming second, a hope that there wouldn't be such polarization, but alas, that didn't happen.

I hope, for this nation, that we can come back together. Once the sting of "defeat" wears off, that we'll come back to the heart of the matter. Mr. Obama does, in fact, work for us. I may not have elected him into his position, but my friends did. He didn't get there alone, let's give him his chance. Some of the wisest words I've ever heard were from my grandmother--in reference to a previous president: "Even if I don't respect the person, I respect the position." And Mr. Obama will be receiving my respect.

The reality of the matter is even weirder to me...I consider myself a moderate. I have a tendency to be a social democrat and a fiscal republican. But this election seemed to force me into one direction or another. It was as if for the last two weeks--or much, much longer--we'd all been binging on Politics and now we have the hangover of the century. I can't wait to get back to business-as-NEWsual. I'm interested to see how things will change. There is a certain reign we can have on our leaders and it's high time we exercise our very vocal and constitutional right to be heard. Not just on election day--but every day. Our representatives can't forget that they are there because WE voted them to be so.

As for the proposition 8, I feel I have a few extra words to say. I'm disappointed that there's such an outlandish cry of "discrimination." First of all, those who READ the proposition will know that the prop stated that it was instituting the definition of marriage as being between a man and a woman. It also still allows for civil unions and legal rights to be the same as heterosexual couples.

"So then if the legal rights don't change, why don't you support it, Bex?"

Here's my beef:

Marriage is an institution that was DESIGNED BY GOD to be between a man and a woman. Marriage was never meant to be a "fundamental right" (as is advertised by the anti-8 folks)--it was designed to be a privilege. Okay, that sets the premise.

What bothers me is that divorce runs rampant in this country--some statistics show 54% of marriages end in divorce. Then there are also people who don't believe in God who are getting married. Well, why? If you don't believe in the god who designed it, wouldn't that negate you from participating in such institution? What I really don't understand is why people are fighting SO HARD for an institution that is failing the way it is now. It's like me investing everything I have in Fannie Mae and Freddy Mac. Really?

But what I propose is this..and it won't seem logical but it would satisfy both parties (the yessers and the no-ers). Make all unions between anyone a civil union. Those who see that it's religiously their preference, can enter into a marriage. So, Joe and Jane, who don't really care about the sanctity of a holy union (as I may see it) can be united with the same "rights" and privileges but it's not called a marriage. Their children will still call them mommy and daddy...or mommy and mommy but their union's title would not be a Marriage.

So, yes, I'm a christian and don't think that gay "marriage" is the way to go, but I also have a very close friend who's a lesbian. I may even be her "maid of honor" in her union. I've seen her through a lot of things and while I may not completely support the lifestyle, I know she's happy. I support her. And I'll continue to.

So, boo on you, No-on-8 supporters. For throwing all sorts of back-woods discrimination ads into the works. This is not the same as civil rights. Gays and lesbians can use all the same toilets, drink from the same water fountains, even sit in the front of the bus. No one is questioning their place in the world. We are merely stating that the definition of marriage is not between two members of the same sex.

And while I'm at it, the petition to re-open prop 8 has less than half of the margin of loss. It will take over 3,000,000 people to just petition to even re-open it. 52% of the state decided. They're not re-opening the McCain loss, even though the popular vote was 51-49%, are they?

Anyways, my hope is for a strong, united nation. I plead to Mr. Obama not to abandon the middle--as many of his constituents are happy there. But the world is already positively responding to a new leadership direction this country will be taking. So, here's hoping, America.

Restless Ocean

2008-09-03T00:24:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I stood at the beach and looked up and down the shore. I noticed all the pretty lights the night near the water can offer and the planes flying out of LAX overhead definitely added to the soundtrack of the night. I was supposed to be taking part in a church gathering but couldn't get my head or my heart into so I walked toward the water. As I sat near the edge of the breaking waves, I had a monumental thought:

So many times, I feel like when we "listen" to God, we hear him say "Come to the Ocean..get in, trust me." And our response to that polite, quiet calling is often, "okay, God..I'll come." And then we bring all our baggage, our beach towels, our umbrellas, our sunscreen, our beach-reads and set up shop on the sand. Often times, we're content to just stay on the beach because I mean, hey, we're near the ocean where God called us, right? I couldn't shake the fact that for a long time in LA, I've been just hanging out on the proverbial shore. God called me to the Ocean--large, open, deep, unknown, cleansing, freeing. But all I've done is hang out (sometimes quite literally)--often with friends--CHRISTIAN FRIENDS at that--but never actually trusted and obeyed God enough to fully immerse myself in what He has to offer me. By surrounding myself with what is CLOSE to what God has for me, I've missed the major point of all He is wanting me to experience. I'm NEAR his will but not IN IT. And that hit me like a ton of bricks. And as I sat on the little hill staring into the waves, I kept thinking, "But it's dark. And there are things in the water I can't identify...and it's a little scary at night. Who knows what will happen?" So I walked closer to the waves and let one come over my toes. Then another, then I remembered how good the waves and the wet, cool sand felt on my feet. I walked by that dark mass that I couldn't quite make out from further back and what was it? It was an old boogie board washed to shore. Seriously? I was hesitant to get in the water because of that?

How many times do we let our irrational explanations curb our enthusiasm for what God has promised us is well worth our energy? He has goals and experiences in store for us that extend farther than our wildest imagination. If we submerge ourselves in what He has and totally trust the one that HELLOOO, MADE US!! wouldn't we be happier? If we quit pretending that we've gone the full distance while we know that the destination is very close in front of us, we could maximize both our potential for growth and faithfulness.

I guess I've gotten to the point where I don't have many options left. I'm tired of being complacent and I like the beach too much to leave, so I better get in the water. I'll just start swimming towards the deep and unknown.

" And I remember when I was just a kid listening in the sky when the wind would stir. And I found out the river is deep and the currents are tricky. And the river is wide and the currents are strong. And I may lose every dream I dreamt that I could carry with me. But I've failed so many times..and you've never let me fall down alone."--Rich Mullins

Fall is a comin'

2008-08-03T11:25:00.000-07:00

You all know what that means. Football.

I've bought my flight and reserved my hotel room for the weekend of September 20th. What is that weekend, you ask? OHhhh, it's the SEC-PAC10 showdown: UGA shows ASU what it's like to play some Southern ball.

I'm stoked. There are so many blogs I've been reading. Lately, I'm on information overload and I LOVE IT! Give me all the stats you can throw at me. I'm ready. I'm ready.

And you know what will come along with football season..blogs that parallel football to something. You know they're awesome--not to forget relevant.

UGA is ranked preseason #1 in the coaches poll. Wow. I mean, the nation is finally recognizing what we've been following with cult fashion for um..ever. I'll try to post good little links often. I mean, haha..who is actually reading this, anyway? Nonetheless, I'll post for the solo reader. This one's for you.

http://www.usatoday.com/sports/college/football/default.htm

This one's especially great: Good ol' Gaytors.

http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2008/08/01/ronnie-wilson-helps-florida-reload

Hurricane Season

2008-04-08T23:17:00.000-07:00

"If we organize our lives on God's teaching, when the storm comes, we may lose a shingle or two but our foundations will stand firm...Because we built our life around practices that are fashioned after God. Obedience always follows belief. To ask someone to obey you when they don't even know who you are is crazy...You're laying a foundation. This isn't a foundation that's necessarily going to help you today or even next week...And the problem is, there's not a cloud in your sky. But God wants us to be prepared for the storms that come. The worst time to be rethinking foundations is in the middle of a flood."--Andy Stanley, 'Simple: Obey'

Sunday morning, I went to the gym, turned on my ipod to this podcast and was midway through it. I literally started crying on the elliptical machine at Bally's Fitness. At that moment, all the emotion of conversations over the past two weeks, all the hesitation I had of letting my emotions get the best of me coursed through my veins. All the phone calls from mom, the talks about what's happening, the guilt, frustration, grievance overtook me.

The most recent conversation I had had was with Danny and we had spoken of generational transgressions. And how in a very vivid, specific way, my family was seeing generational sin being passed along to the next member. Danny was calm and soothing in delivering a very rigid, convicting message: there's absolutely nothing I can do.

I can love her, I can pray. I can love her, I can pray. Glad everything is so cut and dry. No, really.

I guess you don't really pay attention to things that lie beneath the surface until they rear their heads--big, ugly, and dangerous. And who would have realized that the addiction of our great-grandparents could be still kicking four generations later.

I generally like storms. I like to watch the lightning, hear the thunder, feel the wind whip through the windows. I feel safe in my home and enjoy the sound of the pounding rain. I know that while storms may be strong for a while, they'll pass.

If you live (or have ever lived) in Atlanta, you're aware of the impact hurricane season has. People who may never have hammered a nail have particle board ready and can move quickly to the basement when necessary. Those winds can be strong, relentless, and even deadly. But those who've lived through large hurricanes know that while the damage can be devastating, you move past it. In some instances, those who survive are stronger. The bond grows between neighbors and family alike when you pull through something so forceful and so much bigger than you. Many people unfamiliar with hurricanes may just be thankful that they've never experienced it. Southerners know that a hurricane, like most events in our lives, will blow over. Some folks who may be new to hurricane season may not know how to prepare for a storm of such magnitude but once they've had a tree fall on their car, orientate themselves with the proper procedures pretty quickly.

Well, the winds are a'blowin. We've got trees down in our yard and I guess I forgot for a few moments that we've been through storms before. And we come out stronger. We can handle it. We might be scared and nervous right now because we're not sure what the final outcome will be but our foundation is strong.

And I have to remember that this may be big, but people before me have weathered larger storms and come out on top. And the sins of those before me do not have to be my stumbling blocks. I can face them head on and with preparation and not be swayed. i also have to remember that I am not the fixer of broken things. I am not the one to make all right in the world. I am not the one who holds the weight of the world. I have to remember that I built my house upon the Rock.

"The wise man built his house upon the rock...the rains came down and the floods came up...and the house on the rock stood firm! The foolish man built his house upon the sand, the rains came down and the floods came up..and the house on the sand went SPLAT!"--old children's bible rhyme

Turn mistakes into gold

2008-04-05T15:21:00.000-07:00

I've recently been presented with family dilemma. Life takes a turn that you don't expect, that you aren't prepared for. Loss, disappointment, guilt and grief fill your head and your heart. And in a moment, you wonder what foundation you are really built on and how it will hold under pressure.

And a single line of a song has really calmed my heart: "Gonna rise up, turn mistakes into gold."

Thank our wonderful God that this is an opportunity. We are not defined by our mistakes. We are not our weaknesses. I am not limited by my previous misgivings. What a wonderful chance we have for redemption from our mistakes. If we admit fault and ask for help, a deeper treasure lies in our failings.

And in all honesty, the hard times, the times that some might see as defeat and misfortune are the times when I see who truly cares about me and my family. Those without judgment but with a soft and loving heart and listening ear, those are the ones I see Christ in.

And I see how the sins of the father and their father and even their father manifest and take shape in my life right now. And how we can never run from problems and trials. How either way we slice it, it's there. And not leaving. Whether on a permanent record legally or whether it's a lifelong scar. But i am not a collaboration of my scars. If anything, a scar is just a reminder that I'm a survivor. I'm more than surviving--I'm living.

"Such is the way of the world you can never know. Just where to put all your faith, how will it grow? Gonna rise up, burning black holes in dark memories. Gonna rise up, turn mistakes into gold. Such is the passage of time, too fast to fold. Suddenly swallowed by signs, low and behold. Gonna rise up, find my direction magnetically. Gonna rise up throw down my ace in the hole." --Eddie Vedder

And I will not be defeated by obstacles. I will push through.

In this moment, I truly see where character is developed. Gonna rise up, turn mistakes into gold.

The world you thought you lived in...

2008-04-05T14:47:00.000-07:00

Times are hard and there are decisions to be made. Life is quickly changing and taking new form everyday. I feel most of the time, that I'm too slow to keep up and while I make changes, I'm constantly out-paced.

Life is being lived and while I am trying to plan, decide, grow, I get surpassed.

I am presented with new people, new mentalities and new perspectives to view life.

The ocean is vast and reminds me that our opportunities are limitless. The ocean is deep, dangerous and churning and it's sometimes scary and overwhelming. But the unknown possesses unrivaled, uninitiated possibility.

I feel that so often, I let the unknown overtake my thoughts and fear joins anxiety and doubt. I don't necessarily doubt that I can accomplish amazing feats but I doubt that I'm the right one to attempt new creativity. What do we do when our dreams guide our life? When all I can do is wonder and keep a list of the things I want to do, I get bogged down by the idea that 100 years to live just isn't enough. I'm caged by my dreams. I don't see reality--I see potential. I will push potential in anyone that I see it. If you are a painter, a singer, an investor, put your whole heart into it. Be the best.

I want to embark on a journey that leaves nothing to question. I want to live a life that requires questions and receives answers. I want to derive the most joy and understanding that I can achieve from one life. That's all we get. 100 years at most and almost 1/4 of my days have passed. So by reflecting on my past and using it as a compass and baring grounds for my time to come, I pick up my sack, heave it over my shoulder and walk on. I want to meet people that open lines of communication where conversations didn't exist before. I want barriers to be broken, I want lives to be changed.

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I always have. I tear up with the heartbreak of the woman on the street, the man down on his luck. I see the world in what it could be and am faced with the harsh reality of what we have--what is right now. Something wells up in me that is hard to swallow--hard to talk about. My heart gushes with yearning, desire for others. I sometimes wish it would just explode and be done with.

When the task is so great, where do we start? Where do we begin to change? A little bit everyday, I suppose. A smile, a laugh, a nod. Change your world.

"Smile like you mean it and let yourself let go. Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in. Take a bow, play the part of the lonely, lonely heart. Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in."--MIKA

Put me in, Coach..I'm ready to play

2008-01-10T00:39:00.000-08:00

Of all the teams, of all the entities that I want to be a part of...the cause of Christ is the one I'd die for.

When I think of lives being changed, hearts being altered, relationships being healed, I don't think of a diet or a dating service or a counselor, I think of Christ. I think of the magnitude that belief in Him can change one person. The ripples of change effect people so much farther than immediate range of a believer. I dedicate a lot of my time to leadership at my church but what good will that do in the long run?

Honestly, I can't see it not being beneficial. Our motto--our heart's desire--is to make LA the greatest city for Christ in the world. And I'm surrounded by people who don't just believe that but LIVE that. To be in a team of leaders under a pastor who lives what he believes and makes daily decisions by his convictions is so radical. In a city plagued by "networking" or political-correctness, to be led in closeness to Christ by men who fervently seek His will is not popular. It's not a popular thing at all to live your life--to GIVE your life to one purpose. In a world where we place our eggs in multiple baskets, dedicating everything I have to Christ isn't a wise investment. But you know what, it's an investment I'm banking on. Christ is an investment that returns endlessly--and not in dividends but in heaps. Heaps of blessings, heaps of faithfulness, heaps of grace, heaps of mercy. I'd like to see AT&T stock pay out in that.

But in order for this Christ thing to pan out, we have to be on board. We have to be team players--we have to be willing to risk it all. We have to train, practice, exert extraordinary effort...but He plays us. Our coach puts us in. And sometimes He puts us in to pinch hit a runner home--to walk along side someone and lift them up, get them that little extra bit they couldn't do themselves. Sometimes He puts us in to catch a pop fly and end the inning--to make swift decisions that will benefit the team out of precision and faithfulness. Sometimes he puts us in to be the relief...however He puts us in, we have to be ready to play.

And I think to start 2008, the best way to put into words how I feel is I'm ready to play. I'm ready to see what happens. Use me, use me.

"Jesus is still alright with me..." dcTalk

to be a longshot...

2007-12-01T23:35:00.000-08:00

I came to a heartwrenching conclusion this evening: we are all longshots.

We're given one opportunity to live our best life. We fall short of the mark time and time again and to be champions, well, it's a stretch at best. A lot of ifs, a lot of thens, a lot of "well, don't get your hopes up." How many times in life have we been relying on other situations to be favorable and hope that our luck will change?

"We don't know what we're doing. Let it go. It's so hard to fill me in. You better run as fast as you can. When your eyes are getting low--tomorrow is saved for lost and found. Last night, I swore I'd never be the same. I aint lying and I won't ask please. I'll tell you what i had in mind."--phoenix

How many times do we pray that if we could just get a second chance, we'll run farther, jump higher, talk nicer, think purer, just give me that second chance...

And how many times do we find that the second chance isn't related to what we can do at all? It's the situation. It's the outcome of unrelated events. It's the bigger picture that matters and there's nothing we can do to change it. Two words: Georgia Bulldogs. Early in the season, two losses had us down. We just hoped for a strong finish. We thought a good bowl would be locked up but talk about a title game? Well, only in our wildest dreams. And I've got news for you: wildest dreams happen. They happen in big ways and sometimes with complication. And in an instant longshots can become sure things. And I think the most beautiful understanding about this football season has been redemption.

Redeeming grace. That's the one thing that can take us from longshots to sure things. Isn't it beautiful to know that when we have pasts that are colored with questionable, unfavorable memories we can still be brought to the forefront? We are allowed another chance. A chance that hasn't been an option for 25 years--in some cases, longer. What we have in mind never seems to be big enough, crazy enough and risky enough. And what we thought would only result in yet another letdown somehow has us in the grips of an amazing new journey that in our narrow minds, would have never foreseen.

We serve a God who thrives on redeeming the longshots.

Relational Revolution

2007-11-18T00:43:00.000-08:00

Our lives are relationally complicated. Have you ever taken time to think about that?

I have a relationship with mom, dad, sister, grandma, roommates (two--and they're distinctly different), boss (also two, distinctly different), children: Tristan, Haley, Lauren--each again, distinctly different. Then there's friends, neighbors, landlords. Friends of friends, acquaintances, leaders, pastors I try to pray for but sometimes fail miserably to be consistent. There's professors and fellow classmates, waiters at restaurants I frequent, bartenders I enjoy seeing every now and again. The mail-woman. The bagger at the grocery store that I see every Monday and Thursday. And that's just the people I can remember right now.

Complicated.

And each person is different. Each person reacts to seeing my face differently. Each person enjoys (or doesn't) the sound of my voice in a different manner. Each person comes to me with different thoughts, unique perceptions that I might appreciate. The children in my life add a subtle undertone of both sarcasm and humor while also needing me in a way unlike any adults in my life. They need me with authenticity and maybe they try to hide it, but it adds a special blend of flavor to my life that only they can offer.

My mom chats my ear off and gives me the info on my grandparents and who's having which holiday at whose house and what has changed about the dog this week. Dad and I banter about the football rundown for the week--which team needed to lose on Saturday to make way for Georgia to keep moving up, how UGA performed versus what they could have done, what bowl game would be ideal for us to attend and how he wishes he could make it, but maybe next year. My sister tries to avoid the "i'm-really-really-broke-cuz-i'm-in-college" conversations with me while I try to be a great big sis while not debilitating her by leading her to believe that I can fix all her problems. Simply not true. Gramma always reminds me that I'm a great student and she'd love me regardless of whether I just get a masters or if I get my Ph.D and oh yeah, it's okay that I'm not married yet (she says this with deep sadness in her voice).

And the revolution of relationships turns constantly and each one is tender to its own needs and each one evolves daily--or sometimes sooner than that--and I sometimes feel like I can't keep up. Lately, I've gotten to know many new people and while i truly enjoy enlarging my circle of friends, it's tough. One more life to be involved in. One more heart to cherish carefully. One more.

Sometimes it feels like my heart is full. Sometimes I imagine my heart may burst with the inundation of emotion and hope for the futures of the people in my life. Sometimes I retreat from everyone to escape the relational responsibility. I admit, I think I'm a relationship addict. I get high on knowing people. I get high on having someones in my life to share with. I do. But I think the addiction is detrimental because I know many people semi-deeply and few people deeply. I'm working on that. But the semi-deep is still genuine.

So where do I go from here? Is this a good spot to be in? Is Los Angeles in true need of someone to love them legitimately and I can be the one to do that? I have said lately that I want to be a professional lover-of-people. I wonder what that job looks like.

My biggest fear

2007-11-10T23:52:00.000-08:00

I am deathly afraid of few things. Death itself doesn't seem as grim as living life alone. I want more than anything to love people fully, whole-heartedly. I want people to see the love of Christ radiate from within me. However, I feel there are very human obstacles in the way of that. Let's face it--I'm not Jesus. My love for people does run short and I do lose patience and I give up. I have a tendency to not try to love people for fear of rejection or non-reciprocation.

What is worse? Loving someone profusely who barely notices that you care or is it the not loving someone in the first place? I heard mention that the opposite of love isn't hate but fear. The opposite of Love is Fear. Wow. I feel that's so true in my heart. I fear commitment because I fear rejection. I fear rejection because when rejected, the effort you've put into the person rejecting you has amounted to nothing. i just wasted a lot of time. I have to invest in a different person with the nagging notion that the new effort may not pay out as well. I want, for once, to invest in someone who equally invests in me. Someone who won't leave. I want a human to securely give pieces of my heart. But I'm a perfectionist. I like to control outcomes. I like things just so. And if the human has flaws, if the human shows signs of human weakness, I get antsy that he might not work out. Funny thing with humans is that they possess human qualities. Human error, human fallacy, human ego, humanity.

I want to love unconditionally, relentlessly. I want to bestow that love to all people around me. I want to be pure in my love. Pure in my motives to love. I want no grey in the black and white that is love. No appearance of meddling. No questioning of motives or intentions. I want my love to imitate Christ.

The Luckiest

2007-10-22T23:57:00.000-07:00

It seems that the topic on the minds of many people lately is finding their Great Love. Who will it be? Do I get only one Great Love? How will I find that One? Will it stay perfect forever?

My parents have been married 25 years this December. That's quite a long time. I'm a couple years away from 25 and well, I just couldn't imagine a 25 year commitment to anything at this point in my life. I think about their relationship and I think of how lucky they are to have each other. They have struggled, they've learned, they've grown. They need each other more today than they did 25 years ago. And maybe the beautiful part is that after all this time, they still want each other.

I think about the opportunities to love--and to be loved--that we get in our life. If we're honest with ourselves, it's a rarity. I sometimes wonder if I actually love myself enough, much less that I could love another person deep enough to fulfill their desires. I know that God has given me great capacity to love. To give love, I can do. To receive love? I'm not so sure. I've been great at keeping a healthy distance from those who love me. Not necessarily purposely but maybe protectively. I don't want to become accustomed to something--to yearn for love--and then have it taken away. Soo, better to just not get too attached.

But I've felt God prompting me that the risk of love is worth the loss.

I need to quit calculating the potential loss and capitalize on the treasure that is Love. I think the hardest thing about being safe about love is that I'm truly a romantic. I want the biggest, grandest of gestures. I want it all. I'll take the heartache and longing. I'll take the crushes and the butterflies in my stomach. I want it all. I want the fairytale ending. I want the irrational, unconditional, unfathomable love that few people are blessed with. I also want a man of God who leads undeniably with his actions as his heart is shackled to the heart of God. I want a relationship with a man that isn't of this world--I want a man of God that will spur me to deeper love of Christ, to deeper love of people.

It struck me: Our Great Love has to be the only man who can love us deep enough, most authentically--the only One who can love us that deeply is the One who knows us from the inside out, from our Creator. So when I know and truly embrace the love of my Great One, then can I accept the love of a man on earth. I want to overflow His love so I can receive love.

"You can thank the Father for the things that He has done. Thank Him for the things He's yet to do. And If you find a love that's tender, if you find someone's who's true--Thank the Lord. He's been doubly good to you."--Rich Mullins

"I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you. Next door, there's an old man who lived to his nineties and one day, passed away in his sleep. And his wife, she stayed for a couple of days and passed away. I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong. That I know that i am The Luckiest."--Ben Folds

Me + you = us

2007-10-12T01:36:00.000-07:00

Who are we alone?

Without friends, family, co-workers, bosses, teachers, classmates, who are we? What does our existence look like when we are put in a vacuum? As a sociologist, I would make the claim that we, as the person we've come to define ourselves as, would not exist without the existence of others. We are the collaboration of everything around us--our parents, our friends, our exposure to media, location.

So who would I be if I weren't in Christ? Quite a different person, I can guarantee you that. If our identity is representative of our relations, we should care for those around us better--because we are a collage of pieces of those around us. A mosaic, if you will. Tiny pieces of the best of what people have to offer and that's who we've developed into. At least that's how I like to look at it. I have my mother's gift of encouragement. My father's analytical strategic thought processes. My sister's emotional enthusiasm. My grandmother's loyalty. My friends' laughter. My Heavenly Father's grace, mercy, humility.

Who do you want to be?

When I think about who I have become and who I used to be, I can't help but think back to all the people who've made guest appearances in my life. Friends who dedicated time to encouraging me, mentors and professors who believed I had as much to offer as my potential would warrant. I also think back upon the harsh bosses that I learned the ethics that I DON'T want to live by. I've learned so much from the people God has placed in my life.

I say all this because as I think about all the people I'm meeting these days, I want to offer myself to them. I want to offer them a beneficial piece of me for their mosaic. Do you need encouragement? Do you just need an ear to listen? Or maybe a swift kick in the rear to get you motivated? I want God to use me in a communal, relative way as He's used pivotal individuals in my life. The beauty of God using me is that He'll use me flaws and all. I have been a bedraggled, poor, flailing, weak child--but He's used me. And I have faith that He'll continue to use me. Honestly, I think He receives the most glory by using a cracked pot such as I. What glory is there to be gotten if He used the prettiest, most capable ones to accomplish the daring feats? But by using me--who even at my best may only be a beautiful letdown--oh, there's Glory in using me.

And if you're in need of nothing else but the reminder that God is the ultimate satisfier, provider, healer, maybe He'll allow me to be that for you.

"There are ghosts from my past who owned more of my soul than I thought I had given away. They linger in closets and under my bed and in pictures less proudly displayed. A great fool in my life I have been--have squandered till palid and thin. I've hung my head in shame and refuse to take blame for the darkness I know I've let win. So turn on the lights and reveal all the glory--I am not afraid. To bare all my weakness, knowing in meekness--I have a kingdom to gain. There is peace and love in the light, I am not afraid to let Your light shine bright in my life."--Jennifer Knapp

A world of hurt

2007-10-04T00:38:00.000-07:00

What is a painter without brushes? What is a photographer without a camera? This is the question I have been asking myself over and over. And maybe it really was just a coincidence that this is the third camera this year. And it was stolen..and it doesn't make sense..and I can replace it. And insurance will probably cover it--but that doesn't prevent me overthinking.

So I took a long walk after work to clear my head. A really long walk. Like seven miles. I was upset, I was confused, I was disappointed. I kept thinking over and over, "Okay, funny funny..God, just bring it back. I've thought about what life is like without my professional camera..now you can let me find it in my room."

And while I was walking, I was listening to a message by Andy Stanley. It's a series aptly titled "Breakaway" and in the messages, he describes how instead of trying to get away from our life and trying to lead it on our own with occasional advice from God, how we are to live our lives in the daily guide of the Father. Andy kept reiterating--God knows what's best for us more than we know what's best for us. One of the analogies he used was that our hearts, our beliefs have to be changed in order to correct decisions--it's not the person making the decisions but what motivates those decisions. He likened our hearts to renovating a house. It's messy, it's never organized, it's never on our time frame. But the pipes are outdated and the paint is peeling. The final outcome is well worth the hassle of the renovation.

And I'll tell you what, I'm being renovated. And it sucks.

I know that God is reordering my steps, remotivating me. He's placed new people in my life that have caused me to think differently and love more fully and appreciate what He does in my life daily--and in new ways. He really has brought new life to this day-to-day that I called living. Living in constant conversation with God is an amazing thing and I find myself arguing with Him and questioning things that I had gotten used to doing. But I think the most surprising outcome of this current renovation is the amount of love I have for people. I've always been a people person, but my heart wells up for those around me. Two specifically that a few months ago, would have driven me up the wall. But God has given me a new patience and understanding for them. And through that, friendships are taking a different form.

And with renovation comes heartache. I have had to say goodbye to people and things that have been a comfort blanket for so long. While it's a terrible pain to have something surgically removed, sometimes that's the only way you can be sure to remove it. (Trust me, I know this from literal experience.) The analogy of spiritual surgery is very applicable to me. I learned this when my mole was removed:

When the dermatologist first looked at my mole, he offered two options. Option A was to shave it down but that couldn't guarantee that they'd get it all and the root would still be there: it may very possibly grow back. Option B: surgically remove it and dig out the entire root, and sew the skin back together. We went with B. The mole is gone and now all that remains is a two-inch scar that is healing quite nicely. And sometimes, the area may have to be re-exised (re-cut) to guarantee the old, bad cells won't grow back. But this is what the Doctor recommends. This is the most healthy, most liberating experience I've ever endured. And while surgery may make me queasy and the stitches gross me out, the wound is healing. I am healing. God has removed situations and people that were detrimental to my spiritual health and for that I'm thankful. And the Doctor--God--really does know what's best for me.

So maybe it was truly just bad timing that my camera was stolen this week. And maybe it really is a sign from God. I'm not going to rush things to replace it right away. This is the third camera this year that has been lost/stolen. My pride is a little hurt. Okay, a lot hurt. But God is also changing my pride. He's rejuvenating my spirit and replacing old, bad habits with good, healthy ones. And I'm not ashamed to say I've been crying more lately. But I've been learning so much, feeling so much, healing so much and sometimes crying is just the only way to release everything He's doing inside me.

"I can't run away from a man who'll never ever leave me..From a man who'll never ever leave you...I just can't stress enough--my heart senses joy when I'm with you."--Goodbye Elliot

"This is how it works. You're young until you're not. You love until you're dumb. You try until you can't. You laugh until you cry, you cry until you laugh. And everyone must breathe until their dying breath. No, this is how it works. You peer inside yourself. You take the things you like and try to love the things you took. And you take that love you make and stick it into someone else's heart pumping someone else's blood... And walking arm in arm you hope it don't get harmed. But even if it does, you'll just do it all again."--Regina Spektor

NOW I get it!

2007-09-26T10:37:00.001-07:00

So I was looking back through blogs over the past week and wondering why the theme of faith has been so resonant lately. And i got the answer tonight. If we don't have the faith that God will show up, then we'll never believe that we have the strength through Him to defeat temptations.

Welllll, temptation showed up tonight. Alive and freakin' well. And he shall remain nameless. He's a part of my past that I've taken three months not talking to and praying for/about and cursing and trying to move past. And he's practically in town and wants to "hang out." Hanging out has never been a strong suit of mine. And a clear cut choice was offered up: go see him or not go see him. And all my closest friends screamed at me for even considering it and I, wanting to be a good friend continually (despite self-affliction), thought it perhaps an option.

It was hard. For a good few hours I was furious that he called while I've gotten to such a good place--happy and content with what God is doing and making new, HEALTHY friends--beyond mad that he interupted that. And as I came off that blinding madness, I realized that the choice was not, in fact, hard. God has showed His faithfulness and now He's offered me the opportunity to return the favor.

When I'm immursed in myself, all I can see is what I want to do and how it will make me feel at the time. But what I'm learning by holding God's hand daily is that His plan is beneficial long term. This choice will be healthy now and a year from now. He truly is a loving, caring father. When your parents didn't let you down the entire container of ice cream, it's because they know (perhaps from experience, maybe just knowledge) that your stomach will ache rediculously afterward. Of course it tastes good going down, but the end result is not pretty. Meanwhile, if you eat carrots daily, it can better your eyesight.

And the beauty is, your parents may even let you eat too much of the ice cream the first time. Why? So you can remember the pain you felt when you consumed too much at once. And chances are, when you're tempted to repeat that mistake, you'll remember the discomfort, the digestive difficulty that came along with splurging and your behavior will change. I have had my fill of too much ice cream. I'm ready to put my learned lesson to use.

God is such a gracious father allowing us to make mistakes and learn from them. He is so generous to be there continually after we screw up. I'm so glad that He's letting me test out my knowledge and trusting me with the decision. It feels like I'm growing up. Wow, who knew it'd take so long?

"Surrender don't come natural to me. I'd rather fight you for something I don't really want than take what you give that I need. I've beat my head against so many walls. Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees. Hold me Jesus, I'm shaking like a leaf. You have been King of my Glory, won't you be my Prince of Peace." --Rich Mullins

I'm getting out of the boat...

2007-09-26T09:42:00.000-07:00

So I got the results of the biopsy yesterday: no cancer.

And you know what I couldn't stop thinking about? How for six days God asked me to trust him and I cried like a baby everytime I thought about just the potential of having cancer. And I felt like even more of a faith weakling when I went to small group on Monday. One of Carly's close friends had died--gone to the best place I can think of and here I was concerned about the CHANCE of having cancer. Not actually having cancer, but spooked by the concern that the biopsy had taken nearly four weeks.

And yesterday as I was rejoicing that I'd been healed--scratch that--prevented from the necessity of healing, I couldn't stop thinking of Peter. And how he trusted Jesus in overtime. And how I need to trust him that I won't sink. So, kids, I'm getting out of the boat. I'm going to start walking toward Jesus on water. I can't promise I'll make it to him without sinking, in fact, I can guarantee that I will falter and by the time I cry out for help, I'll have to hold my breath under water.

But you know what I'm really facing with God and what He's really showing me? That He is greater than cancer. He's greater than death. He's greater than all my fears and He's certainly bigger than the chance of having cancer. He knows the plans He has for me but honestly, that's always been a nice sentiment and right now it's a reality. It's a tangible, forceful reality.

And I've been into boats a little more than I ever had been lately. A friend built a boat. The picture shows the boat. And the effort that went into the boat and it reminds me of what my dad once said when I told him I was going skydiving: "Why would you want to jump out of a perfectly good plane?" So, why would we want to jump out of a perfectly good boat and walk on the water? I can't think of anything more important right now than trusting that God can come through.

Maybe you're in a little boat right now and you figure you're not that far from sinking so you can try walking to Him. Maybe you're onboard a cruise ship and you can't imagine what benefit you'd receive from jumping overboard. Maybe your boat is tattered and has been pirated and walking on water would be a relief from what you've been through. Whatever boat you're in, I can promise you that Jesus will show up. He'll arrive to walk with you. He won't let you sink.

An Overtime Triumph

2007-09-23T09:52:00.001-07:00

So, I'm a fan. Some might even put me into the "die-hard" category. That's a label I don't mind having, I guess.

I am a UGA fan and while if I lived in Atlanta, that might not be a problem but in Los Angeles, it could be considered a rarity. Unless you're in O'Hara's bar in Westwood on gamedays. On Saturdays in Westwood, as many as 150 UGA fans can be heard cheering and screaming and high-fiving and cursing the refs. Why? A common goal. A common denominator. They all at one point were students, or children of students--somehow the legacy of Georgia Bulldog fandom has been passed on to them and together, we cry aloud in one voice for our team.

And while we will always contest that UGA is a team underrated, when it truly gets down to the wire, we lose our confidence. And honestly, last night when we went into OT, I wasn't so sure Richt (the head coach) could pull off a win. I said aloud, "Well, the thing is...Richt doesn't have much experience in OT. That's all. What? In five years--how many OT games?" Yet, the young QB Matt Stafford carried out his orders perfectly for the win.

So I got to thinking, how often do we lose faith in God when it comes to OT? We pretty much have faith that He'll pull through on the ordinary plays, the pocket might even protect us for the most part..but when it's tied and we go to overtime, do we really think He'll show up?

When we're afraid of cancer, getting a job, finding a mate, and it seems regulation time has expired and we don't know what else to do, will He really come through like we know He can or do we revert to a loser's song before the game is actually over?

I know I'm guilty over and over of lack of faith. I can say, however, that my dad has taught me well. When I was a mere babe he'd always remind me when the team was down, "there's still lots of time left." Maybe UGA would be down by three TDs at the end of the half and I remember he'd always say, "there's still 30 minutes left to play. Lots of time." And I feel like I need to be more cognisant that God isn't through with us yet.

It's still early. He knows what He's doing.

A little faithless...

2007-09-21T10:29:00.000-07:00

More often than not, I forget who made me.

I forget that God made my body and He can heal it. I forget that He is my help and salvation. I forget that His strength is beyond any measure. I forget that His ways are not my ways and I may never understand how He works. I forget that I've chosen His Son to lead my life and in doing so, relinquish my own control.

Somehow, I can't forget that I am prone to wander. I feel that so often, I go off on my own ways and leave the cross in the dust. I pray that God will chain me to His heart and bind me forever to Him. I forget that the cost of Jesus was so great, and our sin was so atrocious that our Heavenly Father couldn't look upon it.

I want to adore Jesus with my life. I want to adore Jesus with my speech. I want to adore Jesus with my hands. I want to adore Jesus with my love for others. I want to attempt to give to Him what he's bestowed upon me.

Hallelujah: Let us praise. Hallelujah.

I'm convinced that we don't praise God enough. We go on our merry ways and out of forgetting, we lack praise.

I want to live my life in a manner of praise.

I've been dwelling on the words of my favorite hymn and take notice:

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
Let Thy goodness like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above

A fetter is shackles, constraints to something. I think it so honest that Robinson wrote that he be shackled to the Goodness of God. He knew, like I have found, that we are always prone to wander. Yet, we know that life is so much sweeter in the grips of Grace.

Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it. Seal it for Thy courts above.

Love us, Jesus. Take us forever in your arms.

ESPN SportsCenter - Big Buddy

2007-05-15T18:49:00.001-07:00

FedEx Halfpipe commercial

2007-04-27T20:58:00.001-07:00

Ha. Awesome.

Where we gonna go from here?

2007-04-01T23:06:00.000-07:00

Well, yet again I have failed to be more consistent with posts.

It's moving time soon. I'm going west, folks. Some may have thought, "but Bec, you're already in LA. How can you get further west?" And my answer would be this: I currently live downtown--which is about 22 miles from the beach. We are moving to a little area called Brentwood which is a whopping 5 miles from the beach. Freaking Awesome.

The area will hopefully rejuvenate my perspective of Los Angeles. As of late, this town has been getting on my nerves like a punk kid who always surprises you with things you don't appreciate. Traffic, unpredictable weather, distance from my family, etc.

And I've realized lately that family is all you may ever have in life. Family is tough and sometimes they're rude. Sometimes all you want to do is get as far from them as physically possible. Other times all you want to do is curl up in bed with your sister and hold her tight to remind you that you're alive. And that she's alive. And that regardless of what happens, you have each other when the shit starts hitting fans. Sometimes I wish I was still four years old and could go jump in bed with my parents right smack between them and cuddle under the covers. Because in that moment in that bed, nothing bad can happen to you. Not at four years old.

But i'm not four anymore. Far from it. And the safety of my parents' house is long a memory. The edge of the country is where I abide and where I survive in independent solidarity.

Have you ever realized how you can allow yourself not to go to deep, dark places of your mind? How you may (or may not) surround yourself with shallowness and humor to avoid the reality that is in your head? I find I do. I like not having to constantly allow myself to think. And I think that's why I like the gossip magazines. So brainless. I don't have to concern myself with real life. The real world is a little scary.

"Son when you grow up, would you be the saviour of the broken, the beaten and the damned?"
He said "Will you defeat them, your demons, and all the non believers, the plans that they have made?"
Because one day I'll leave you, A phantom to lead you in the summer, To join the black parade."

injured, injured bad......

2007-03-01T23:49:00.001-08:00

I don't care how many times you watch it, it's amazing.

I packed your angry eyes..

2007-02-28T23:31:00.000-08:00

So as I was looking through people's blogs and sites and posts and whatnot, I realized that I've been living with a lot of anger. What makes that strange to me is that I don't consider myself an angry person. I'm usually very light-hearted and with a short memory--easy to forgive or let go.

And as I thought about the cause of my anger? It surprised me! The cause itself didn't surprise me but more my admittance of it being the cause surprised me--the church. The church in general, the church I grew up in, the church my dad is a pastor at, the church I'm at now, the church of people that believe they're better than me, the church!

I've been scorned, stifled, silenced, saddened and stunned by the church and yet I'm still a part of it. I feel my allegiance to God has been almost in spite of the church He's represented by yet it's an allegiance I feel has great potential for greatness. I've strayed from the church in the past and even while I'm part of a church body now, I can't help but feel abandoned by this place as well. Why can't people reach out to me? Why can't I be a part of something radical yet deeply committed? Is a church that is built on being cutting-edge bound to have relationships that are severed?

I feel that lately, I've had to be incredibly politically-correct. Why? Why can't I voice my disdain with a church that is leaving significant groups of people in the cold? And by that, I don't mean literally--I mean the believers. What happened to old-fashioned discipleship? What happened to the church being the safe-haven, being the place where a believer could confide in another believer and be encouraged? When did the church become the dumping ground for society's lonely and restless, pushing out its own? Sometimes the lonely and restless need more than just a hand to hold saying "Jesus fixes it all..." Sometimes they need a good kick in the ass to show them their mistakes and a professional's phone number. Last time I checked, the church wasn't losing its members by the truckloads, requiring enlisting of new people to help. Christianity isn't about helping everyone we can so we feel better about ourselves.

I think that's the true travesty of the church--and it has been ever since we learned to count. Quantity. Numbers, numbers, numbers. Push 'em out of the nest, get new ones in. And even then, it's not enough. MORE, MORE! The American greed has reached the church. Ah, yes. The capitalist's church. Fits right in with the American Dream, doesn't it? And maybe that's ultimately where I have my beef. That's what I pull out my angry eyes for. The pastor who trumps up his writing and world-traveling and remains the pastor because it's good for business! What business? The business of the church. And granted, not all pastors seek authorship, some just have good things to say that become books--but I'm talking about the self-proclaimed "i never wanted to be a pastor, but an author" ones. If they ever read this blog, they'd know who I'm talking about..but let's get real.

And that's exactly what we need to do in the church--we need to get real. The few churches that get it, the ones that are reaching people despite their NUMBERS! are getting real with their members. They're stripping the fancy clothes and the makeup off the church and surviving on the skin and bones of what Christianity was meant to be. The marrow, as people may call it. The community of people serving and loving each other and thriving together. That's what the church is meant to be.

Mac Spoof: Performance

2007-02-25T23:16:00.001-08:00

Mom, Pop, is that you?

2007-02-21T12:17:00.000-08:00

So my parents came into the big City to visit me this week. It was really nice to get to introduce them to friends, people who've been pivotal in my life over the last three years. A good friend (and for those of you keeping up, a one-time crush), Matt, had his final Academy play. It was momentous for him and a little touching for me, too. I've supported him by going to his plays for the last two years and now they're done. A chapter is closing in his life and I'm glad I've been a part of it. I'm even more excited to see what his future will hold!

But anyways, I took my parents to dinner and then off to the play! They enjoyed it (which I knew they would!). Sunday, we woke up EARLY! and went to get the rental car and then off to Mosaic. I have to say, the 11am service is much more my bag than the evening services at the Mayan. I don't know why but there's a significant difference. We had lunch at a great little place near the Farmer's Market/Grove and soaked in the Mardi Gras entertainment. They've been in San Diego for the past couple days for a conference and they'll be back tonight.

FUN! It's nice to have them here, to somewhat "approve" of my life..but I'm realizing that no matter how much I've accomplished, no matter how far I may live geographically from them, I'll always want them to be proud of me, happy of what I've done and what I have yet to do. I guess my dad is seeing how much of an adult I am after he glanced around my room and saw an Educational Journal on my bookshelf, "Wow! Rebecca's reading Educational journals?! She's really growing up!" As if to say that me reading journals marks my entry to adulthood. However, compared to my friends from back home, their entry to adulthood was clearly marked by marriage and childrearing. I guess I'm happy with my simple journal-subscription entry to adulthood.

I was also reminiscing of how I came to call my father "Pop." HA! He HATED when I first started calling him that back in high school. I'll never forget, "it's disrespectful to call your father 'pop'!" And he'd always ignore me when I called him that. Ohhh, how times change! I never quit calling him that, but I guess he grew accustomed (or even to like it). Now if I say, "hey, Dad," he assumes something's wrong and will sometimes ask why I didn't call him Pop. I don't know, it just sounds great--and kind of old-school to say, "Hey, Pop."

political religiosity

2007-02-05T10:11:00.000-08:00

It seems that in the past 8-10 years, the increase of political correctness is at an all-time high. With the women's movement and now the Muslim movement, Americans (more so than other countries) are stressing not only religious "safety" but stagnant complacency across the board. Somehow, the push seems to be towards ordinary anonymity and I won't stand for it anymore.

What gets me started on this, you ask? Well, there was an article on cnn.com about the supposed uproar over a 2-foot cross being displayed in a chapel in a public university. The president of the university is wanting it removed (and has had 1100 people sign an online petition) while a research professor and 10,000 people have signed the petition to keep it in the chapel. Cnn.com quoted an Orthodox Jew being "uncomfortable" with the cross's presence while he was being oriented as a freshman. Aside from the fact that person will probably never go BACK to the chapel after orientation, let's just discuss this.

I live in Los Angeles where there's a large Jewish population. Do you hear Christians saying "you know what, that Star of David is really making me uncomfortable?" NO! We understand that others have their views, traditions, symbols and we can respect that without feeling inferior or uncomfortable. Why is it that the majority is always portrayed as domineering, forceful and unrelenting? Whether it's the hetersexual majority, the Christian majority, the caucasian majority--it's always the same. If a minority has a beef, you remove the majority's symbol. CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG??!

Okay, that's just a blanket exclamation and maybe I don't want us all to get along. Maybe I believe that if we're all in "harmony" all the time, we can't progress. The push towards everyone agreeing only shoves the truly extraordinary out of the way for risk of political incorrectness. And not everything should be in conflict, but in the societal whole, conflict is good--without conflict, without symbols that make us "uncomfortable", we have no reason to learn about ideals and meanings we don't know or understand. Informative individuals know that learning doesn't equal converting and understanding creates peace. Instead of complaining about a brass cross on display, we should research the history and appreciate the heritage of it. The same goes for Judaic, Muslim, Catholic, and other cultural, religious entities.

DA BEARS!

2007-01-28T02:03:00.001-08:00

OH heck YES! in honor of the Most Awesome Freaking Super Bowl party. Check out details on my events page on Facebook..:)

CLR, you'll see why!

2007-01-22T12:40:00.000-08:00

I know this is probably a lame post---but try it and you'll see why I'm singing it's praises! So, my shower needed some serious cleaning and I went to the store to pick out a cleaner. I've tried a lot of different things before--and while they usually work, it's the level of ease that is variable. CLR? ten minutes to wipe down the entire shower and Badda BING! it's all clean. Seriously. HA. I guess those commercials ARE right.

Happy Cleaning!

Masters should be left in Augusta...

2007-01-09T10:19:00.000-08:00

So, I think I royally screwed up. Maybe I didn't jack up my entire life, but at least the next year isn't going to be the way I envisioned it last week. Procrastination got the best of me..and I hadn't taken my GREs. Hell, I don't even know if I'll have graduated in enough time to even pursue the Masters degree. *SIGH* I figure I'll see how the course of graduation goes and then I'll just look for an HR job or something. I'm thinking it's time to relocate. Maybe Miami, maybe DC. Hell, maybe even Boston. I want a change! CHANGE!! LA is nice, but of course the grass is always greener. Any city suggestions?

This one's for you, CJ!

2007-01-02T09:36:00.000-08:00

WELL!

New York City definitely treated us well for this trip!
This post is short--but dedicated to Mr. CJ Kelly. At least that's how he was entered in my Treo. When I asked to take a picture with this awesome Dawg fan, his response was "i'm going to see this on a blog, right?" And yes, Mr. CJ, you will see it on a blog!

Just to preface for those of you unlucky enough to have missed out, UGA played Va Tech Saturday night. Well, being the fan that I am, I wasn't about to miss the game! So we found the NYC Ga Bulldawg Club. It was unbelievable--but even better than the Dawg Club was the fact that they share the bar with VA Tech. Talk about ironic. The place was PACKED! Maybe 500 folks--all drinking, carousing, carrying on. Good times. Good times!

It's interesting to me who comes out to places like that--fans of all backgrounds, careers, cities, etc. I love how fans can unite. And I do believe there were a lot of attractive men..lol..but hey, I guess football fans are disproportionately male. YAY!

I will probably post more tonight or tomorrow about the rest of the trip. I can honestly say that this NY trip made me think about moving there..I could see myself in NYC. But for now, I LOVE LA!

The Morning After...

2006-12-26T11:52:00.000-08:00

Holiday hustle-and-bustle has finally settled down. From Thursday until Last night, it seemed to be a flurry of family and fun.

I will interject that my parents' new house is located in a very young, active sub-division and I'm listening to--my guess--a 16-year-old that just got an electric guitar and amp for Christmas. A rambling mix of the "Abc song" to "Wonderwall" to some sort of Ashlee Simpson song, I think. It's random and surprisingly loud but at least it's not deafeningly quiet in here.

Christmas became an increasingly special day for our family last year when my cousin had a baby--Dasan. I was the only family member who wasn't in Texas for the birth so it was very special to be present for his first birthday. He's such a wonder to be around. He's active, cute, and sweet! I'm sure all families believe they have the best children but I've been around a lot of kids--and this one is amazingly behaved. I guess that just goes to show that great parents raise great kids.

On that note, I'm thoroughly impressed with the painstaking work of Ryan, Dasan's dad, to create a memorable First Year video. The editing and taping and montages were all great (especially considering he did it on a PC! WOW!) And this year was also the first time in a very long time my Grandma has been in great health. She looked better than I've seen her in years!

--Oh, I hear another Christmas gift in use. It's a dirt bike. I think the kid just likes to rev the engine. Boy, and I thought the guitar was loud.

I can't remember the last time we've had a family picture taken. But we got one last night! It's amazing how we've grown over the years and how changes have brought us all to the DFW Metroplex. It's really been a special holiday season for me. From shopping with my cousin to being kidnapped at 5:30am by my aunt to Dasan's Hollywood themed birthday party, it's all been a great memory to treasure.

And the countdown to NYC is three days! WOOHOO! I'm not entirely sure what will happen and where we'll stay every night but I guess I need to quit planning everything out to a T and just live it up!

Oh and not to forget: My parents' 24th Wedding Anniversary is today. WOW! We're all getting so old (particularly them..but hey, that's life).

Home, Sweet Home..sort of

2006-12-18T23:20:00.001-08:00

So i'm back in Dallas (or more specifically, the suburb of Rowlett) for the holidays. As I've already posted, holidays are strange being here. I arrived safely and all that yada, yada...but walking off the plane in Dallas was a little strange--not to mention the 78 degree weather. Hotter here than in LA! geez..but that seems to be the big joke with the locals: bizarre weather.

I say locals as if they're so different than myself...

I was very hesitant about how this vacate would go. Would it be like the last time I was in town to visit the fam? I bummed around the house and did a big, honkin, NOTHING for three days. Well, so far it seems to be anything but that. I got in and was immediately rushed off to a holiday party where I met a lot of college kids from church. Good times! They seem to think I'm funny..and I'm not sure why. I say stupid things when I'm nervous and want people to like me..maybe they just laugh to make me feel better. Or not. Oh well.

But they've really welcomed me and Rach! It's kind of like being a mini-celebrity. Or at least that's what I'm going with, okay? Last night after bible study and church, we went to Chili's for dinner (which I haven't eaten at in easily over a year) and apparently, it was entertaining. I got a little excited to be there (AND I love meeting new people..which has been continuous since I got here) so the combination had me like a puppy who runs around in circles with glee. AND THEN a movie..it was just one non-stop fun fest!

Then tonight or tomorrow..depending on the time zone? We watched the unrated version of Talladega Nights. I have to say, I loved it in the theater and I still find it funny but I think the theater version is better. Maybe I'll get the double disc set so I have both. Who knows? And instead of Rach and I watching it alone in silent desparation, oh no--we had friends over! YAY! Three cheers for new friends!

And on a side note, it's a lot of pressure to be continually funny. You know, funny people sometimes say non-funny things. We sometimes say serious things or just plain stupid, non-funny things in a lame attempt to be funny. I just say that as a disclaimer in case I'm not funny anytime soon.

Anywho. Dallas has this AMAZING mall, NorthPark. It's like the mecca of shoppers--you name it, they've got it. And my sister is the shopping devil. I didn't need Coach tennis shoes, but I have them now. But they are mighty fine. Oh yes. And the best part about NorthPark? We're going back on Thursday with Kimberly and Dasan. (cousin and her baby which makes him my 1st cousin?) MORE SHOPPING! yay! :)

Soo that's the scoop on the big D for now. Good times, good food, good friends. Hope the fort in LA is being held down!

I HEART IpodRip!!

2006-12-12T22:26:00.000-08:00

I haven't been able to upload new music to my video ipod in months--probably around 8 or so. When my hard drive crashed back in March, it swiped the only copy of all my music from the ipod as well. So downloaded music was stuck on the ipod unless I wanted to just lose it all. Well, now that I have a mac (and the handy help of super-hero Geniuses at the Apple Store), I was able to safely upload ALL my music from my ipod to my harddrive. OH YES, IT HAPPENED! And not only is it easy, it shows you (by displaying a little music note) which music is already in your itunes so as to not duplicate it! HOW AWESOME IS THAT??

Anyways, I don't usually like to plug stuff, but by golly, I'm plugging this program. It's Amazing! Check it out:

IpodRip:
http://www.thelittleappfactory.com/application.php?app=iPodRip

Saved my music and my mind!

A Season of Hope

2006-12-11T01:00:00.000-08:00

It's always interesting to me how God decides to show
himself.

To a person who may be immersed in themself, he is
benevolent, introducing a concept they may have long
forgotten and missed on their fast-track through life.

To a person who is small-minded, He is diversity: Bringing
types of people together that defeat stereotypes, odds, and
underestimation. He is the ultimate kaleidescope that when
we choose to look through His eyes, we see the amazing
beauty that can be found by simply looking around.

To a person whose heart has been hardened by pain and
tragedy, He is hope. He places people in their life to
reinstate that hope isn't just for cancer patients and
prisoners, but for the ones who have been trodden on by the
everyday occurance of life itself.

Hope is a very real thing--an asset that I firmly believe
God has granted us to remind us that we're not home yet. We
have so far to travel, so many to reach, so much to see and
to do that hope is merely our travelling buddy ever-so-often
poking us saying "hey, don't forget, we're almost home."

To me, hope is knowing that in every decision I have to come
across, Christ is there nudging me to stay in His will.
Hope is seeing a family rejoicing together despite losing
everything. Hope is more than just a word or even an ideal--
it's a way of life.

To those who have lost, they know hope. They know the price
of hope; they know the scarcity that hope can have at times
of our weakest weakness. They've seen the face of hope on a
child, graduate or even the widowed mother.

To me, hope has had an overwhelming presence in my life with
its neighbor, grace. Their cousin Mercy has been closeby as
well. As I drive along the coast, I well up with tears--
tears of joy. I'm home. I finally don't feel like a
complete sojourner; I see so many different faces, so many
cultures, so many languages spoken that I can't help but be
filled with imaginings of what Heaven will be like. The
multitudes of demographics and walks of life. The many
different faces of hope.

So as you come across new beginnings or definite endings in
your life, remember that the Hope we have in Christ far
extends the fear and doubt you may have in the flesh. And
know that you won't always feel misplaced. You are always
loved no matter how far from Home you may be.

Finals Suck.

2006-12-07T01:39:00.000-08:00

Of course, I understand I'm stating the obvious but still, my frustrations must be voiced.

I thought I was doing pretty well by reading through all of the chapters for the first final which was Monday at 10:45am. I felt well-prepared and felt like I aced the test. Alright, the beginning wasn't so bad. One down, three to go.

The second one had enough preparation--the prof had given a detailed review I just had to fill in. Good studying but made me a little frustated by about hour 5. But still, proof was in the pudding (or whatever the heck that means)d--I did well on the test. Two down, two to go. This is where it gets messy, folks.

So normally finals don't freak me out. This, however, was a different horse of a different color. I had four finals in three days. So two were back to back and out of process of elimination, the last one to be taken would get the least preparation. I had all the intentions of studying my little brain out but around hour 4 or 5 for the FIRST test to take on Wednesday, I couldn't bring myself to concentrate. Maybe it was the resting on my knowledge and feeling good about not missing class when attendance wasn't even manditory. Or maybe it was just my "Just Wing It" gene kicking in. Maybe you don't have that gene but I tell you: it aids in less stress. I'm not sure that it's hereditary--maybe just evolutionary or even revolutionary.

So I know what you're thinking, "okay, so you had finals, big WHOOP!" But no, no, NO! This was different. I live in LA. We do things differently around here. My study breaks? WAY cooler than yours. By far. BY FAR! So I'm driving from work to the coffee shop that makes me feel smarter/more productive/like a USC student (take your pick). I hear on the radio this gimmick in Hollywood to come "walk the plank" for a free Pirates of the Carribean 2 DVD. At first thought, I had to do it. I texted one of my coolest friends, Jamie. She had heard the same thing. We were already on the same wavelength--no pun intended. I stressed that I needed to be a good student but could be persuaded to take a study break later: call me if you decide to go.

Now in my mind, this has deferred the situation. If she decided to go, I'd definitely accompany her but the requirement was for her to want it bad enough. OHHH I UNDERESTIMATED JAMIE. She wanted it bad enough. We went. It was AARGGHHSOME! And honestly, it wasn't even for the DVD. Of course, that was cool. I am still in college--free stuff is always welcome. But the story, oh the story. Worth it!! So the picture above is of the pirate ship and where we walked the plank.

Keep in mind that LA rarely gets "cold". The air temperature was about 58 degrees while the water temp was a nice 96. Walking back to your car down Hollywood Blvd soaking wet, complete with squishy tennis shoes and everything, was cold. But again, it was acceptable. And why? For the story. We did it. We're awesome. I still got the craziness in me! And how ironic that the song playing, "she's a superfreak, superfreak!" (okay, I undrestand not exactly the same context..but work with me here)

So, my appreciation goes to Jamie for giving me a rush of life in the midst of a hell week.

I do feel I aced the tests. At least I sure hope so. Stay posted for the report card. :)

Christmastime!

2006-12-02T09:22:00.000-08:00

There are currently fourteen days until I fly to Dallas for the holidays! It's so strange to me going to Dallas. I have lived all over the country and until recently, my parents were stationary in Atlanta. Now they--and the rest of my extended family--are in Dallas, Texas. It's nice because it's a shorter flight but this is the first holiday season in 12 years not going "home" to Atlanta.

However, my parents (especially my mom) are so happy in Dallas. There have been amazing people and opportunities in Dallas and I've really seen my dad come to life again. For so long it seemed he was in a fog, just surviving in life--not actually living. Now, they go to all sorts of parties with friends, dinner with relatives, and Mom especially loves taking care of baby Dasan. What is it with women and babies? She's a totally different person when that baby is around! (I like it, I'm just saying!)

I wish I were in Dallas more often. I missed the Christmas decorating since they did that at Thanksgiving. But instead of Mom and Dad being all alone at home with one child on the west coast and the other on the East coast, they had ten family members over and they all decorated together. It's been a really special year being so close to family for them. My mom hadn't lived in the same STATE as her sister since HIGH SCHOOL! And now I hear them on the phone to each other, gossiping like school girls. It's a really nice thing to be closer to family. For so many years, being in Atlanta didn't allow us to really become close with our cousins but now we get to hang out, really be a part of their lives. Kimberly and her husband even came out to LA and I got to see them!

I've never really been one to get into the Christmas season with such full force but this year, I bought a christmas cd, we're hanging lights on our Palm tree, I'm going all out! :) And to make it even more special, I think I'll see the Nativity Story movie..to really remind me what this season is all about!

But he's an ACTOR!!

2006-11-27T22:48:00.000-08:00

This Saturday, I was accompanied to the Los Angeles Philharmonic by a good friend, Matt. The symphony was amazing and the company was exquisite! Matt would seem to be the perfect English gentleman--dashing good looks, smart, respectful, and a heart for Christ. He's hospitable, social but not overwhelmingly so. He's a great guy!

Let's just develop the back story:

The only thing that has ever put me off about Matt is that he's an aspiring actor. In LA, those are a dime a dozen. Actor? ACTOR? Someone tells me they're an actor and I immediately think, "ohhhh, you're off on some other planet! You? Make it as an actor?"

I thought I had inadvertantly shut down any opportunities with Matt back in March. I had thrown a party and well, I'd had a bit to drink and felt gutsy enough to let him know exactly how I felt. I remember thinking quite lucidly while I was talking and when I was finished thinking, "did I really just say all that to him??" I said things like "I've decided we wouldn't be good together. And you're an actor! And we're so much alike, we couldn't date.." and he replied saying something to the effect of "ohhh, you've decided we won't date, have you? All on your own? I have nothing to say?" And that was that. He left for France in May and was gone for a few months..I thought I had gotten over him. There was nothing to get over because--finish the sentence: He was an _____! (actor, for those of you who weren't paying attention)

So now we fast forward a few months to this week. We had an amazing night at the symphony but after the symphony was the real romance: we walked the few blocks back to my apartment under the lights of the city. The Christmas tree was being put up on the square of the Theatre Company and the Opera House (yes, LA does have fine culture!) and the fountains were lit in a beautiful gold and purple. The weather was just chilly enough to feel winter-like and we were dressed in fancy splendor! It was the most wonderful non-date I've ever had!

We then had dinner, dessert, wine at my apartment and talked--only talked--for nearly two hours! Until that night, I'd felt like we were close strangers--sharing a small group, taking part in events in each others' lives but not really knowing each other deeply. I feel like Matt asked hard questions, deep questions that are meant for developing a friendship further. I felt like not only did we get to know each other better that evening, but I began to change my perspective of the actor thing.

So I'm driving to work after class and I'm listening to some great Christmas tunes and I begin to think, "well, maybe being an actor isn't really a bad thing." Then it hit me: I would support him if he were an architect or an investment banker, a teacher or a mechanic, so why not an actor? What did I really have against actors? Could it be that I was so nervous about my own path being unknown that I didn't want to risk the involvement with someone else who has an undefined path?? Could it be that I really didn't trust God enough to know what He's doing in my life--but in my relationships?

But then I also had to consider whether I was allowing myself to be okay with actors because Matt's handsome or charming or has an accent that would make you melt...or whether I was actually becoming okay with actors--which would really mean I'm becoming okay with not knowing the future in general. And do I actually have the capacity to love someone deeply at this point in my life? Can I make time instead of just excuses to prevent me from potential pain? As long as I'm keeping people at arm's length, I don't suffer the excruciating devastation of love lost. Am I just hiding behind the fear of an actor's failure? Maybe I truly do yearn for a love worthy of marriage and maybe I do long for a partner who would be both my best friend and my closest confidante, but everytime I think about it, I chalk it up to "I'm not ready for it..maybe later."

So for now maybe it's because he's an actor...

Why do they call it PROcrastination if it's a bad thing?

2006-11-09T11:24:00.000-08:00

I have an awful time getting motivated for my Sociology of American Violence class. I wrote a kick-ass paper last night on educational violence..and it has to be turned in before 1:20pm. Class starts in 15 minutes and I haven't even had a shower. 24 is on and I haven't seen this one. Doesn't my prof know I have priorities?? *SIGH* life can be so difficult sometimes.. The ITT Tech commercial is on and well, I'd feel even guiltier about missing class and ending up at a place like that..but I'm so close to graduation, I can taste it. NO ITT TECH FOR ME!!

However, I'm feeling bummed about Saturday. The UGA/Auburn game isn't even on national television unless you have gameticket and is a 9:30AM pacific kickoff. How often has THAT happened? Early games suck but at least the bar (Maloney's on campus) will be open for breakfast for us. The SoCal Dawgs Club is pretty awesome. 1690 miles away from the stadium but we're still rowdy on gamedays! Well, hopefully next year will be better. And a bowl game? In Shreveport? Wow..at least it's closer to my folks' place! Next year...next year...

As for procrastination, they should call it conastination if it's soooo bad.

I'd rather be a sandstorm...

2006-11-06T23:34:00.000-08:00

I went to go see the movie Babel last night with an amazingly good friend, Marci. I had high expectations for the movie and moderate expectations for the friendship. I've been friends with Marci for almost as long as I've lived in Los Angeles which has just surpassed two years. My friendship with her has taught me a lot of things both about myself and about life. She's taught me that being indecisive doesn't mean you don't know what to do but that you want to assess the situation with fervor and detail. I guess in my hurry to live life, I've skipped over details. We arrived at the theater at just the right time to find seats for two in the third row from the front--the place where you have to lean back a little so your eyes can focus on the screen and if you focus on one spot of the screen for too long, your eyes go blurry. That's how big I see life. I see the huge, huge picture. And sometimes i'm sitting so close that I don't see all the details because I'm panning to make sure I'm catching all the action. I'm not seeing the small, symbolic Morroccan girl in the bottom corner because I'm staring at Brad Pitt front and center. However, Marci sees life in the details. She notices the girl crying when I'm arguing that the reason she's crying is because of political injustice, who cares if she's actually crying, she's just a symbol...

But then, in the midst of the Morroccan desert, a helicopter swoops down. The sand goes everywhere, the residents of the small town are ducking and covering their faces to avoid being sandblasted by the intense winds the propellers create. When the helicopter leaves, the affects of its presence lingers, sometimes displacing sand indefinitely. I thought for a little while, "Wow..I want to be like that in my life. I want to create a wave of change that is unmistakeable and identifiable for days, weeks, to come! I want to be like a helicopter..." Suddenly the movie panned across the desert and you could see where the fertile rivers once roamed the land. You could see the sand spanning a vast, incomparable desert where mountains had been changed over time due to erratic sand movements. And I thought to myself, "No...if I'm going to instigate change, I want to be like a sand storm." Sand storms have been notably dangerous across the globe--even in satellite photos, the sand (or dust) storms are clearly visible. Sometimes the wall of sand can be as high as 1525 meters high! Entire dunes, miles of landscape can be changed forever by a single sand storm. And when sand is blown, sand is blown not just past buildings but into every crevice, and eroding the buildings' surfaces. The storm leaves its mark permanently.

I have no better way to describe how I want to live other than that of a sandstorm. I want to exact change in education, in policy, but more importantly in the way people think. If we can begin by thinking of someone outside our perspective, outside our everyday habits, maybe we can truly become a globalized society in more ways than just economically. If I can effectively live my life in a manner conducive to change and to vulnerability beyond myself, I believe this world can be better. I am willing to be available to the needs of others at a cost greater than I can humanly imagine if it makes a difference. And I have faith that the good nature of humans still exists--I refuse to let cynicism weigh my heart and mind down. I will allow nonconformity and unconventional wisdom to be heard. In my listening, seeing, believing, I feel I can change the world. Even if it's naieve to believe so, I will. Even if it may feel like charging an army with a wooden sword, I will. I will attempt to live in a manner befitting a sandstorm. I will not settle for helicopter dust and drivel when I know that sand storm deliverance awaits.